I’ve recently done some thinking. I know, a dangerous pastime.
It has been a wild time hasn’t it? no thinking required, just mindlessly following the prompts, the emails, the assignments. Being led like a bull by the nose by this yellow piece of paper called a transcript.
i want to go down to the ocean that i see from my room window. i want to submerge and not come out. but the thing is, it seems that people expect you to keep yourself alive, and my life is ruled- or so I’ve come to see- by the expectations, the social constraints- so alive i will be, but i want cease to see.
This thinking has illuminated a very important little failure. I have major attachment issues. as strange as it may sound, i never thought that i did. i had this idea of myself, reliable, trustworthy, selfless… etc.
I was relentlessly arrogant. I probably still am. but working on it now, instead of denying everything. what’s that thing they say, “the first step towards solving your problem is admitting that you have one” is that it?
yes, i admit it, there you go. I am arrogant and selfish. I hate attachment and people who get attached (especially people who get attached quickly). I can’t stand people who need something or expect something from me other than to be a normal human. the second people want friendship i want to just crawl into a hole. its one of the few things in this life that makes me nervous and anxious. I can’t stand relationships. because they always get messy
why is it that sometimes people feel the need to dump their worries and cares on you and after speaking (without pause for breath) for about thirty minutes, turn to me expectantly, and wait for me to spew practical advice, retrieved straight from my library of sermons and proverbs?
i had this friend, he saw an angel in me that didn’t exist (come to think of it i think he saw his ideal self in the front i put up…then he fell in love with me. the narcissist). he needed me to be this unbreakable force of a person, this ever positive, never changing, constant, considerate person. he wanted- no, needed me to care. and i just couldn’t. doesn’t matter how hard i tried i couldn’t care.
sometimes i even find myself thinking, “i can help you with a project, i can do things for you, but do not expect me to stick around or care about your feelings. because that requires a part of my soul that is completely vacant and you, my friend, will be sorely disappointed and find in me nothing but hurt. I can always pretend to care, but don’t ask me to come to the hospital with a GET BETTER SOON smile on my face. i can’t stand hospitals.”
how strange, how true.
now isn’t that just the most horrible thing you have ever heard? I mean really, get a grip, be nice!
but i can’t
because i can not simply convince myself to care enough. or to put into people that which i know is not a replenishable resource. i can not give what i do not have. i’m not saying that no one cares about me. my mom loves me. we’re good. chill people (and by people i mean all the idiots in my head). but i simply don’t have that ingredient that has the label “compassion for other’s problems”. It got missed in the production line. I think i fell off the female train right before the whole “compassion” section of the human factory and was swept up later along with the rest of the psychopaths.
does any of this actually make any sense: no
do you care: no
why am i writing this: because i dont care either
should i change my attitude: yes
will i change my attitude: no
will i ever understand why people keep talking to me: nope, i’m a horrible person and a worse friend. the fact that i have anyone around me is pure mystery.
now i guess the whole point of this was more to just think. in words, on a website that i call a blog sometimes. and hope to god that it makes more sense to you than it does for me.