How

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how will i ever be able to love? how will i be able to look someone in the eyes and say, “what there is left of me, you can have”?

none of who i am is worth the trouble. my fierce devotion to my own isolation certifies my inability to accept affection. even if they were perfect, my heart would not let them like me. they will get hurt. Fact.

i seem to need to hurt myself so that people don’t touch me. how? why? i’m distressed passed recognition of myself. i can’t handle affection. WHY!?

it’s like i’m a fire. and yes i know it’s a cliche. but at arms length i am warm, needed, almost inviting. i gather people around me, people talk openly about who they are, assuming that what they see is me. but the second you get too close. the second i think you have a potential to see past the fantastic flames of energy everyone loves so much, the second you get closer than “friend” i explode from the inside.

knowing that if you get too close you will see i’m burning on ashes. there is nothing left to know. nothing but ash out of which no phoenix will rise

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the hilarity of it

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‘the day walks right through me

dragging me along

hoping i’ll keep up

singing me a song

a eulogy it is

my own funeral

that life drags me to

lamenting all the way

but then i say no

you can’t take me one step further

i won’t give in to this

i will fight till death

but that’s just it.

it’s all quite hilarious

If. I. Think 

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come on

You can do this

It’s not that hard

All you have to do is think

Think

Perfect

Not hard

Just go with the train

That thing the……

Train that is ……

On your mind

You know.

Like. … … ….. ……….

Ride that train

Chooo chooo ……..

……,…….

…….I got nothing …….
……Hours pass …….

Still nothing ……….(echo: nothing)……..

Mind blank as a newly painted wall

I can’t think

Thinking is hard

If I could only think

THINK!

Think of what I could accomplish!

oh! but how?

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How will I do it? All this belief in me and yet…….i can’t shake the feeling

Failure

the word haunts me

stalks my shadow, never leaving me

she tried.

she failed.

no one has ever told me

“i am disappointed in you.”

no one

but i see it in the faces of the people who insist that i will amount to something!
WHY

can’t i just fail in peace? why do you have to linger around me with hopeful stares

constantly turning me to the brighter future that you see for me

OH BUT HOW WILL I EVER AMOUNT TO EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANT FOR ME

how could i possibly become that golden standard you put on your banners

how can i face challenge and trial knowing that

with each failure

comes more humiliation

that accumulates into those dreaded words

their tongues may never speak

but their tears may cry

oh but why

could you not just succeed?

why do i even have friends

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I’ve recently done some thinking. I know, a dangerous pastime.

It has been a wild time hasn’t it? no thinking required, just mindlessly following the prompts, the emails, the assignments. Being led like a bull by the nose by this yellow piece of paper called a transcript.

i want to go down to the ocean that i see from my room window. i want to submerge and not come out. but the thing is, it seems that people expect you to keep yourself alive, and my life is ruled- or so I’ve come to see- by the expectations, the social constraints- so alive i will be, but i want cease to see.

This thinking has illuminated a very important little failure. I have major attachment issues. as strange as it may sound, i never thought that i did. i had this idea of myself, reliable, trustworthy, selfless… etc.

I was relentlessly arrogant. I probably still am. but working on it now, instead of denying everything. what’s that thing they say, “the first step towards solving your problem is admitting that you have one” is that it?

yes, i admit it, there you go. I am arrogant and selfish. I hate attachment and people who get attached (especially people who get attached quickly). I can’t stand people who need something or expect something from me other than to be a normal human. the second people want friendship i want to just crawl into a hole. its one of the few things in this life that makes me nervous and anxious. I can’t stand relationships. because they always get messy

why is it that sometimes people feel the need to dump their worries and cares on you and after speaking (without pause for breath) for about thirty minutes, turn to me expectantly, and wait for me to spew practical advice, retrieved straight from my library of sermons and proverbs?

i had this friend, he saw an angel in me that didn’t exist (come to think of it i think he saw his ideal self in the front i put up…then he fell in love with me. the narcissist). he needed me to be this unbreakable force of a person, this ever positive, never changing, constant, considerate person. he wanted- no, needed me to care. and i just couldn’t. doesn’t matter how hard i tried i couldn’t care.

sometimes i even find myself thinking, “i can help you with a project, i can do things for you, but do not expect me to stick around or care about your feelings. because that requires a part of my soul that is completely vacant and you, my friend, will be sorely disappointed and find in me nothing but hurt. I can always pretend to care, but don’t ask me to come to the hospital with a GET BETTER SOON smile on my face. i can’t stand hospitals.”

how strange, how true.

now isn’t that just the most horrible thing you have ever heard? I mean really, get a grip, be nice!

but i can’t

because i can not simply convince myself to care enough. or to put into people that which i know is not a replenishable resource. i can not give what i do not have. i’m not saying that no one cares about me. my mom loves me. we’re good. chill people (and by people i mean all the idiots in my head). but i simply don’t have that ingredient that has the label “compassion for other’s problems”. It got missed in the production line. I think i fell off the female train right before the whole “compassion” section of the human factory and was swept up later along with the rest of the psychopaths.

does any of this actually make any sense: no

do you care: no

why  am i writing this: because i dont care either

should i change my attitude: yes

will i change my attitude: no

will i ever understand why people keep talking to me: nope, i’m a horrible person and a worse friend. the fact that i have anyone around me is pure mystery.

now i guess the whole point of this was more to just think. in words, on a website that i call a blog sometimes. and hope to god that it makes more sense to you than it does for me.

no more

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one single tear drop

rolled itself down my face today.

it was for you

a solitary journey it was.

it was not reflected in your face

neither did you see it.

I hid it, as it were…

reveal it’s loneliness i couldn’t

but it was there

and it was alone

but the tear is gone

and that is all i will give you

one

single

tear

no more dreaming

no more hoping

nothing comes to

nothing

and you have come

to

naught

Such is life

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i want to just crawl up into a little hole, big enough for one. I want to sleep there in a little ball and never be undone. I want to drift over my life, battles lost and won and think of all the bitter tears shed and those still to come. 

I want to sleep all day and dream all night. Not kept back nor asked to fight. Lift away to endless heights with no one to think of and nothing in sight. 

I want to smile and laugh, all while hidden and not do as I am bidden. Talk and be silent as I may and not be required to say or not to say. 

But I can’t do what I want you see 

For such is life

And such life will ever be 

forward, up, out…never in

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keep going

just keep going

go forward

look up

look out

never in

do not think,

you will see

so don’t think

do not try

to live,

just go.

forward

up

out

never in.

this is what i hear,

it clamours

“your inner voice,

the one telling you to slow down

is just lazy,

don’t slow down.

NO, keep going”

it’s always

a continuous stream

of

FORWARD

UP

OUT

NEVER IN!!